I had lived a life of addiction for many years. And, it took some time for me to finally wake up and say, "Hey, this isn't working. This is a problem. I'm not going to live if I continue down this path.”
This is a disease that prefers you be in the dark by yourself…
This is a story about addiction. A story about recovery and pride, and shared respect. It is a story about hope … and encouragement for others to start their own journey toward a new life.
Lori:
My name is Lori. I've been coming to Community Health now for a little over a year.
I went to the hospital. I had an episode. Nobody knew what it was at the time. I was in intensive care for a week. And alcohol had a lot to do with it.
Randy:
My name's Randy, I'm 28 years old. I've had trials and tribulations, um but I eventually landed with the Community Health Center, and, so it's been about two-plus years now.
Lauren:
I'm Lauren Kelly. I'm an addiction counselor at the Addiction Medicine Program at the Community Health Center.
One of the things that I really wanted to do when I got into school was help people. And, one of the things that drew me to working in the addiction field was seeing people get better.
Randy:
I had lived a life of addiction for many years. And, it took some time for me to finally kind of wake up and say, "Hey, this isn't working. This is a problem. I'm not going to live if I continue down this path.
I was around other people who were in my scenario, we would find a way to make friends and get into trouble.
So the process really started with me first. And, luckily, I have a really good support system in my family. And, I have a girlfriend.
I've tried various different programs. I couldn't find something that worked for me. 07:18 Unfortunately, a lot of programs, if you enter into their program and you make a mistake, that's... they pretty much are like, "you're out of here."
We continued to look for help … And, we landed upon Lauren over here at Community Health Center. And, right from the beginning, she just really pushed me and helped me and pointed me in the right direction and gave me a second chance.
Lauren:
I think it would be cool if you guys could speak to sort of the transition from first coming in and what that sort of feels like initially, the not knowing. And, then kind of getting settled into sobriety and then to where you are now. Because I know you guys are both working on some pretty big stuff now in your lives.
Lori:
I first came to Community Health Center from the hospital … wasn't mandated or anything, but I went. And it was helpful. It helps every day.
Randy:
I really stuck with this place, because they've worked with me and I can tell that they really care. … so getting there initially was a big change for me, having to change, basically, my whole lifestyle.
It took me so long to finally say, "hey, I need to get help." It was really scary, because I'm thinking, "how am I going to survive? I feel like I'm barely surviving with substance abuse." In the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "oh, my God, that means that the one thing that makes me feel better about my everyday life, the one thing I use that kinda gets me through, I'm going to get rid of it."
It really takes a brave person to come forward and say, "Hey, listen, I got a problem. Somebody help me."
I tell people that constantly. I'm like, hey, man, getting sober is scary, and it's freaky, and it's hard. It's really hard.
Lori:
It's hard.
Randy:
I mean, it's scary.
Lori:
It's confusing. You want to be validated.
In the beginning, something I really had a hard time with was knowing what was normal life, normal behavior, circumstances, and what was due to alcohol. So, when I stopped drinking, I didn't know what to do and what was right or what was wrong or what feelings or emotions.
Randy:
Yeah. Your whole, I mean ...
Lori:
It's so much better … ‘cause I was in pretty bad shape. Since I was in my twenties. I'm 60 now. So, for quite a long time. But, I was functional.
Well, I thought I was.
Randy:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah.
I was a functioning opioid addict. I had jobs and I could come up to you while using substances and you probably wouldn't really even recognize that I was high on drugs. I think with alcoholism too, same thing. These people are, basically, after a while using substances just to feel like a functioning member of society. It's just how it is, you know.
I think people get lost in their substance abuse and especially when it's over a long period of time. Like for me and Lori. you kind of lose yourself and you really don't understand who you even are without the substance that you're abusing. I mean …
Lori:
I felt like I was floundering when I stopped.
Randy:
But, that feeling goes away. I mean once you start living sober, it does take a little bit. And, I think, for people, that's why it's hard because they're expecting, "I'm going to put the substance down and tomorrow I'm going to be back to normal." And, it just doesn't work that way. You have to give your brain and your body and the people around you a chance to really kinda, you know, situate and get used to the newness of it all.
Lori:
I just met somebody who hasn't had anything in a few months and I wanted to tell him, "really stick in there and you're going to feel better.” Because it's like you said, it really does get better and it's so worth it.
Randy:
The key component is to get yourself in the door is really the first step. That is the most important step because once you get in the door and you sit down with a group and then you start conversating, you go, "Oh." You know what I mean? "There are people here just like me."
Lori:
When I walked into my first group, I was terrified
Lauren:
We talk about this as a physical recovery and emotional recovery and spiritual recovery, and really being able to tap into all those areas so that you stick with it, and not settle. And, that's something these guys have done really well, and they haven't settled for what they were settling for before, which was just to survive every day, by any means possible. So to see them continuing to transition it to different levels over the last year, a couple of years, has been really cool to be a part of that.
Lori:
Oh, what's cool too, is that with me anyway, I think I speak for other people too, is that having the support, the encouragement that's given to us that, "you did good." That's what keeps me, helps keep me going as far as moving ahead.
Randy:
Mm-hmm. Yeah, totally.
Lauren:
Every day is different. Anything's possible. It's never the same day twice and you never know. We really don’t know, when people come in, start their journey. We really don't know where it's going to go. One of the things I like is that when there's somebody initially starting their journey, it's really a blank slate for us.
There's a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. And, to Randy's point, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to walk through the door and say, "I have this problem,” because this is a disease that prefers you to be in the dark by yourself.
So to be able to have that courage and saying, "Hey, I have this issue." and then be able to be a part of that journey, watching people become new people. It's pretty rewarding.
Randy:
I will say this, um, just because I'm sober doesn't mean now all of a sudden I wake up and I'm like, "Oh, today's going to be rainbows and unicorns." Life is life, regardless, and you're going to face challenges. It's really important for people who suffer from addiction to hear that you're worth it in the things that you've done, your past, doesn't make you who you are.
And, so when I wake up in the morning, that's really my thought process, is like, "Wow,", I'm like, today might be a crappy day, but at least I'm sober and I have a fighting chance today, where I couldn't say that before when I was using. You know what I mean?
Lori:
When you wake up in the morning and it's nice to just wake up feeling … lighter. I don't know how to describe it. But, that you could do things today, you could handle it. Definitely feel more optimistic about everything. And, you still have those days. Excuse me. But, it's a lot … it’s a lot better. It's a whole better life.
Randy:
Yeah, definitely.
I've known Lauren for two-plus years now, and we've grown to a point where she pretty much knows my whole story
If you saw your doctor for almost every week for two years, you start talking about your life and their life and, "Oh, yeah. I experienced this too." So, I mean, she's really your counselor, but she also talks to you like, he doesn't treat you lesser than her, which is good, because I feel like that's an issue with this whole topic. People will look down on you, and addicts aren't stupid. We know when we're being talked down to or judged.
I've never felt judged.
Lori
Very trusting.
I'm not afraid to tell her anything.
She listens to what you have to say.
Randy:
She helps you make progress, which is all that really matters.
Lori:
It's from the heart with her, you can tell. She's my hero.
Lauren:
I'm just grateful to be part of the journey.
That judgment piece these guys are talking about is a lot of the reasons why people don't ask for help, so trying to just stay in that non-judgmental realm is really really key, and patience is a key. And, it's not easy. I'm human, I'm certainly far from perfect.
Recovery is possible, you know I mean, people recover every day, and a lot of that doesn't get a lot of coverage. It doesn't get a lot of stories. We don't really hear about that side.
It's a huge problem we're dealing with right now in our culture but there are people like Lori and Randy that are actively working in recovery.
I like what Randy said about, "You're worth it, even people who don't think that they are."
Lori:
I found out that there was a professional next to me and I had asked her in one of the groups, I said, "How did you...?" Because she just looked so professional. She said it happens to everybody. I think I knew that, but she really drove that point home during the group, so that was a big help. That's when I think I knew just how serious it was.
Lauren:
This disease knows no category or class, or race, religion, economic status. I see people from all walks of life: professionals in the community to folks that were once professionals in their communities who have unfortunately lost that because of their use. It really is everybody. It can affect everybody. Nobody's immune to it.
Lori:
I think that there are so many people out there struggling that we don't know about that… and, I think there's a horrible stigma attached. And, I wish I could tell people, "just go.", to please go and speak with somebody, because the people are there, they want to help. But I think people are afraid. I was. I didn't want to admit it. It was hard.
Randy:
It's a deep subject and it's not easy for people, I don't think, to come forward about it.
Lauren:
Something we really tried in designing the program over at the Community Health Center was really trying to strip away any of the barriers to care. Trying to be available to be able to see people when they're ready is really, really critical. And then, knowing that the service is available in the community as opposed to having to go to another community to get services, you know, is big.
Lori:
It's nice to feel like you want to be good to yourself now. I didn't care before. But now, I want to be good. … I think I deserve to have a shot at this.
Randy:
I still push every day and I still wake up and I say, "Hey, we're working towards our future today," and that feels really good.
I've wasted a lot of years unfortunately not really focusing on the future because like I said, I was very scared of the future, so I was just on a day-to-day basis. So I'm just making up for lost time.
Lori:
Right now I can't even describe how good I feel talking with Randy. We're looking right at each other in each other's eye and we know we get it.
Lauren:
Lori, the last year, watching you grow from when you first came into where you are now has, again, been a big thing.
Lori:
Nothing that I'm doing would be possible. And at community health, everybody there says that, "Well, you're doing the work." It's like, "well, I've been given the tools to do the work and I would not be anywhere near where I am today if it weren't without you."
Lauren:
Randy, you and I go back. And it was definitely a journey in the beginning and I'm really proud of everything you've accomplished in the last couple of years and just continuing to work harder and really level up your recovery and not settle for less.
Randy:
I'm really proud of Lauren for the work that she does every day. I know that it's not easy for her, but she wakes up and she pushes to help people. And really, quite honestly, I think she's like a modern-day superhero who’s too humble, I really think that she's saving lives. She just point blank is saving people's lives.
And i'm super proud of Lori for being like me and just saying "enough is enough."
Lori:
Oh, I'm proud of you.
Randy:
It’s been a good journey.